Advice about SIL

[Gabby]

Some of you may recall (I tried to find the thread in the archive...but didn't) that I have a SIL who gives "bad" gifts. I finally was able to convince her to ask before buying and for the past couple Christmases and Birthdays, she's done pretty well.

She called a couple of weeks ago to ask about Christmas and Tommy's birthday. She asked if it was okay to give Tommy money for his birthday. I told her that was perfect. Yesterday, the envelope from Auntie came and there was no money in it. There was a "free inside" type cd-rom that contains instructions for playing games like I-spy and License Plate Bingo. She's known to "tuck in" a little prize, so I was concerned that she forgot the money.

MrG and I tried to decide what to do. (Tommy wasn't surprised to find such a gift -- he kind of expects it from Auntie). We were going to have him write a thank you and hopefully she would notice if he didn't thank her for the money and there was supposed to be money in the card.

Unfortunately, my husband also thought he'd ask to his other sister to ask sister#1 what she got Tommy. This has caused a big problem because sister#2 said, "K wants to know what you got Tommy."

SO -- dear friends...

What do I say when SIL#1 asks why we didn't appreciate her gift?

I think it's best to say, "I was just concerned that you'd forgotten the money. If you hadn't mentioned sending money, I wouldn't have wondered about it at all." Should I lie and say we thought it was a great gift?

[TigerLily]

Actually, i'd say - I was concerned you sent money in the mail and it was stolen. This is known to happen and would have been my first thought.

[Virgo6]

Wow, you are between a rock and a hard place. Is this sister in law close to you and your family? Is she older and prone to forgetting things. If your children and everyone else is aware that auntie has a problem with buying gifts I would probably just buy a pre-printed thank you card that says something like "thank you for thinking of me" and then have Tommy write down the bottom. "Thank you for remembering my birthday" and sign his name. Would this aunt send a lot of money or just a few bucks that you would be concerned. I would just let it go and not worry about if there was money in there or not. The main thing is that Tommy learns to thank someone for whatever he receives. Auntie might suck in the giving department but that's just the way she is and hopefully she has other attributes that make up for that flaw in her personality. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. If though she calls and asks what Tommy bought with the money she sent then you can say "sorry Auntie there was no money in the envelope" and see what happens. And in my opinion your hubby should be handling this if its his sister. Why must we women get stuck in the middle of all these family problems especially when its not even our family. Believe me Gabby, we all have relatives like Tommy's aunt.

[Slitter]

Am I missing something? She asked if she could just send money and you said that'd be great, right? So a card arrives but no money. It seems perfectly reasonable to me that you'd wonder if something had happened to it since a "tuck in" is a normal thing for her. Some people along the way used an unfortunate choice of words but it had nothing to do with you or Tommy. If anyone has any tap dancing to do here, it isn't you. If she asks you, I'd just tell her the same as you told us (maybe not with that intro about the bad gifts though, lol). If all she intended to send was the CD and decides to be offended then I'd say she's just looking for a reason to be offended. If that's the case, nothing you do could possibly be right.

If Tommy's birthday passes (and maybe Saturday too to be safe), have him write the thank you as planned. Beyond that, don't worry about it. You've got enough on your plate right now. You don't need BS stress like this on top of it.

[Fuel]

No advice, hang in there. :)

[WOODTURNER]

...No good will come from asking.

[frawniemae]

If SIL wrote a check and you don't cash it (which, of course, you can't since you didn't get it) after a couple of statement cycles, she may ask you about it Otherwise, I'm with Woodturner. Just "whatever" it.

[Kramer]

I totally agree with Woodturner, I would chalk it up to flakey SIL and let it go. Use it as an opportunity to teach your children appreciation despite the original circumstances and then do yourself a favor and try not to dwell on it. I remember this SIL from the past and you just cannot teach an old dogs new tricks.

[Gabby]

Thanks -- we won't be saying anything to her. We want to be prepared in case she says something to us.

Tommy got great presents from the rest of the family. We always take a picture of T and the present to send with the thank you. They also usually go on the family photo page. Mr G was giggling about the difference between Tommy and the Forensic Science Kit and Tommy with the cd-rom. He thinks she may get the hint.

[Virgo6]

Glad you are not saying a thing to Auntie. The photo should definitely give her the hint. Either she just forgot the money, or she didn't intend to send any at all. Either way she will be thanked for the cd she sent. Its up to her to question what Tommy used the money for or why he wasn't holding a check, cash or the item he would have bought with the money in his hand.
Glad Tommy had a fun birthday though.

[frawniemae]

Good idea, Gabby. I hope she gets the hint!