another reason why some mothers eat their young

[frawniemae]

Phone calls at 1 am from the local cops.

"Do you know where your 16 year old son is?"

"Well, he's supposed to be on his way home from band competition."

"Actually, maam, he's at the high school. Seems he thought joyriding in the practice field would be a good thing to do. Your presence is requested."

"We'll be right there."

Now, this is a smart kid I'm talking about. Good grades, perfect attendance. Gets compliments on his responsibility all the time, working on his Eagle Scout project.

Yet here he is, 2 am, his truck axle deep in the middle of the band's practice field with obvious donut ruts all over the place. Did he have a good time, or what??

So far the damages are:
$85 wrecker fee to pull him out.
Three citations...#1 out after curfew #2 criminal mischief #3 criminal tresspass
Driving and parking on school property privileges revoked (school rules)
Truck use indefinelty suspended (our rules)
Whatever it is going to cost in court fees (he must appear next Friday with a parent)
Probable SAC for a week or more
The wrath of the Band Director
Extreme dissappointment for his parents
No social life for a very long time

I'm about 99.9999 % sure there were others with him but they must have left when he got stuck. Can you blame them?? He says that no one else was with him but there are other fresh donuts that he obviously didn't do. He's not going to "rat" on his friends. Frankly, I don't trust anything that comes out of mouth right now.

Sorry for the rant...I was ready to kill him but decided this was a more civilized thing to do. Besides, I've had enought dealings with the cops for one night.

[Gabby]

Oh, no!

You must be mentally exhausted! I am so sorry that you had to do this. I guess it's hard to see any "bright side" in this -- but I'm glad to hear that he wasn't drinking.

I've worked with teenagers long enough to know that dumb stuff like this doesn't make him a bad kid. My advice is to enforce whatever punishment is dished out externally and certainly follow up with any of your own established rules, but don't go too far. He still is, aferall, worthy of your trust. One stupid decision shouldn't discount what a great kid he really is.

I think saying to him that he's disappointed you and the band director and will have to earn back respect may be more effective than any long-term ban on social events. If you "ground him forever," it may backfire. Let him know you're angry, but make sure you don't throw out a severe punishment out of anger.

I hope I'm making sense (and I know it's easy for me to tell you what to do when I haven't ever been awakened at 1 am for this reason). I've just seen this happen enough and know that the parents who overreact often get backlash; the parents who underreact often have already dealt with these things repeatedly and are getting what they deserve; the middle ground is usually the most effective. Taking away car privledges for a set amount of time, or restricting access is certainly in that middle ground.

:hug2:

Keep us posted. I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this.

PS I'm moving this to Gabby's. Honestly, when I saw it in chit for chat, I thought it was a joke and looked for the punchline. I couldn't believe it was a story about you. :( Once that sunk in, I felt horrible!

[Virgo6]

Frawnie, I thought it was a joke too at first. Oh, I can totally relate. I have many stories I can share with you privately. I agree with what Gabby said. Take the middle ground. They really aren't BAD kids, just stupid. There might have been others with him and he won't rat on them because then everyone will turn against him. Most of the time kids do dumb things like that when they are among others to show off and have fun, but unfortunately he will have to deal with all the punishments himself or be alienated from his peers. Rough age. 16 is much to young to drive, but I know in many states they are allowed to. Here its 18 unless you take a special driving course (costs around $400) which allows you a license at 17.
Why was band competition going on so late? Is that normal for kids that young? I can feel your pain because I know what you are going through.
Three of mine are in their 30's, but I have one younger one in her 20's that still knows how to cause me stress and push my buttons. Hang in there Frawnie and many hugs. Friends are important for you now. I am sure he realizes how much he has hurt and disappointed you and others who thought he wouldn't do something like this. Let him know you LOVE him, but not his behavior.

[pocket]

Those late phone calls are the scariest thing on earth when you have a teenager. First, you're afraid for his life, then once the fear has abated, you want to kill him yourself. Been there, Frawnie. I know your disappointment is great. Punishments will be handed out, not only by you, but also the school, and the courts, and that's a lot to handle. I wish you patience to deal with it all. I hope at the end of it all, he'll have learned impulses need to be controlled. That's learning the hard way for a 16 yr.old.

[frawniemae]

thanks for your input. I know he is going to have to face up to a lot of stuff in the next few days. He is remorseful. Whoopee.

The band was at solo/ensemble competition in Lumberton. Hundreds of kids there. If one judge runs late it can throw the whole thing off. Apparently that was the case. It's not unusual for that to happen, though. I knew he wouldn't be home til 12 or after. I also figured that he and his buddies would go to Taco Bell and eat. That's a band tradition. What I didn't expect was his donut run.

we are getting ready to go look at the damage he caused in the daylight. This has to stick in his brain. Just last week I got a call from him that he had hit a tree. Apparently he was attempting a "Tokyo Drift" manuever on a gravel road in the rain and it backfired. (Hint: pulling the emergency brake while travelling at a speed of 25 MPH is not a good idea.) Luckily for him he wasn't injured. The car he was in ...well that's another stroy. It's not worth fixing up.

Yes, Virgo, 16 is a young age to be driving. MOST kids handle it pretty well. We live in a smallish town so he has doesn't have to do much interstate travelling, if any. And I do realize that even in small towns people die in car wrecks. We've had our share.

This son of mine ...I just don't know what to think. I know the bravado thing. I understand the having fun thing. He has always been a slight risk taker. I just hope that he realizes that the next time (God forbid there be a next time) he may not walk away and have the opportunity to say "Damn, I screwed up!"

I firmly believe that letting consequences do the talking makes a much more lasting impression than anything I can say or do to him. Riding the school bus (which he hasn't done in 7 years) will be one consequence. Having mom or dad get him to and from work is another. Meeting with the Principal and Band Director will definetly be memorable. Having basically the entire school find out who trashed the field AND got caught will be totally embarrassing. No cell phone...no internet...no freedom from mom for an undetermined as of yet length of time...

Yeppers, that ought to help this one "stick".

[Mouse9]

Wow. That is a lot to happen in such a small amount of time.

I could just picture that happening to my son.

I agree with all of your rules and consequences. And, being the good parent(s) you are, I am sure you and your husband will know when he has felt the impact of what he has done enough to let up. I definently say, better correction now, than seeing him having problems like them later when he could have worse outcomes for his impulsiveness. I am sure all of us could write about something dumb we did at 16 and was grounded for life (or so it seemed). But, we learned. Do we learn when we don't feel some type of consequence? Some do. Most don't.

It really makes me grateful for the new laws here in Colorado. Someone just mentioned to me yesterday about it. Our friend said they just passed that law where they have to be 18 before being able to drive. (Like what Virgo6 said) I don't know if there are any provisional stuff. I probably won't even check into it until my kids are older. My daughter (who was with me) thought that law is fine with her. "Mom will have to drive her everywhere she goes." At fourteen, my son really will be dissappointed when he hears this law, but that's life.

My husband and I haven't even discussed the kids "driving" yet because of their age. I have thought about it, but my vote would be to wait until the younger (girl) was old enough to drive, and then only if she was continuing her responsibility. The boy would have to prove himself before that time, which he could easily do, if he wanted to.

I know my son has this "when I'm sixteen" idea of taking drivers education. I've already told him that would depend on other stuff (responsibility level). He is ever the optimist. It would be nice to think the boy would be responsible enough if he had driving privileges to encourage him to do good. Yeah. Right. I just don't have the faith that he would be responsible enough. The thought of him growing up and accepting responsibility without my husband and me making him is just beyond my grasp of understanding, at this time.

I am so glad no one was hurt.

Man, I don't look forward to those days. Thank God I have a couple more years. Hopefully, by then I will be better prepared (or my son will think before he acts.)

Hugs to you Frawniemae.

[Slitter]

I don't have any words of wisdom, Frawnie. Just a :hug2: and these words of encouragment: I've only met your kids briefly but both seemed like fundamentally good kids. I'm sure this was an aberation and I expect his remorse is genunine. Sure, he made a mistake and now he has to eat it but I am sure you'll handle it well as you always do.

I also think you deserve a lot of chocolate right about now.

[Sunburntbeatle]

Well, what can I say. All three of my stepsons have done this and worse. Only one got caught getting a truck stuck where he shouldn't have been with it. He came home to get his Dad (he was in my old truck that we were trading off). So off Dad and son go to rescue my stuck truck. Yup, Dad sticks his truck trying to get my truck out. So, the next morning off we all go with 3 or four of youngest stepson's friends to get the trucks unstuck. Now, this was late May and it still freezes at night during that time of year. My truck is about 150 yards off the trail. I casually walk out to it, noticing how hard the ground/mud had frozen, I get in the truck, start it up and drive it out. The look on youngest stepson's face was priceless and the fact that some of his bestest buddies witnessed this whole thing was even better.

frawnie, hopefully the fact that he has to stand in front of a Judge will bring him to reality.

And I agree with Slitter, lots of chocolate is in order.

[frawniemae]

I had some chocolate (both the candy kind and the Johnny Depp movie "Chocolat") and I feel somewhat better. When we went to the school to take in the damage, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He is very lucky he didn't flip that truck though. The other ruts I saw were old ones that had already been filled in. (There is a pile of sand near the field) Evidently this donut thing is not a new thing to happen. Chris says he did not contribute to the older ruts. My daughter tells me otherwise. Who would you believe?

It has been a very emotional and totally "weary"ing weekend. Let's hope the upcoming week is better. I know I won't be having to worry about DS on the road...that's one load off.

Thanks for all the support.

[Slitter]

IChris says he did not contribute to the older ruts. My daughter tells me otherwise. Who would you believe?

Neither. Both. Doesn't matter. That's past and done. No one can prove anything. Let it go. What's happening now isn't about what may or may not have happened then. If he got away with one, he got away with one. He didn't get away with this latest one and it is really the present and the future that matters, isn't it?

Glad you got your dose of chocolate. :) Good luck for a peaceful week ahead. :luck:

[Gabby]

I thought about you a lot this weekend.

Does he face the teacher/principal today?

[Virgo6]

I was thinking about you also Frawnie. Sli, you are right. There is no reason to rehash the whole thing over again and get brother and sister into a big battle. IF he did the old ruts, then only he knows the truth and that should make him feel even more guilty. We are good mothers and in this day and age that is not easy to be. What ever you do, don't blame yourself for your children's behavior. I've been there and done that and nearly drove myself crazy. Some well meaning friends knocked that nonsense out of my head. Hang in there.

[frawniemae]

I spoke with the principal over the phone this morning and Chris is scheduled to go to a SWISS hearing Wednesday morning. (school with in school suspension). Not a place for wimps. When a student is assigned to SWISS, he/she can not place a foot on regular campus or participate in any way with the "regular" students. No school bus. No band trips,concerts, etc. I just hope they have someone qualified to teach algebra II and chemistry. Those are the subjects he was already having a bit of trouble with.

He screwed up so bad.

I keep telling myself this is a small thing when compared to some things. But this is my kid. And it is not a small thing. I do sincerely and wholeheartedly hope it is THE thing that gets his attention.

By the way, I'll know everyone in the SWISS hearing, from the truancy officer (used to share an office with her), to the Administrator over attendance (he was Principal at Chris' elementary where I volunteered and subbed many many times) and the high school Principal who knows me because of my involvement in booster clubs and the fact that I work for the district. He was very suprised when he realized who Chris is. He had worked and talked with him just a few weeks ago at the big talent show that Chris was assistant stagemanager.

I have not talked to the Band Director yet. That is going to be a blast, I just know it.

Chris' assistant scoutmaster has been apprised of the situation and after she was finished laughing hysterically she said it would probably be best if we held off on his Eagle Board of Review for the time being. He WILL do the Eagle project but will not be recognized for it for a few months. (just a side note: assistant scoutmaster has raised 4 kids, 2 of each and both the boys were exact replicas of their father, a huge cutup, so she has experience with dealing with the male stupididty factor. So her laughter was not meant to be hurtful...she just knows Chris and has for a long time been witness to his "fits of stupidity". She will deal with him and he will know he has been dealt with when she's through.)

It's turning out to be a really long week.. Is it still Monday???

[Gabby]

So, is he at regular school today? I bet the embarrassment factor will kick in!

Well -- you know an online Algebra 2 tutor if you need one! :)

[frawniemae]

Yes, he was at regular school today. Will be tomorrow and Wednesday up to time of SWISS hearing. After that...I just don't know. The Principal happened to come thru the building in which I work and the way it's set up, everyone goes by my desk so I had the chance to speak with him face to face. I asked if Chris needed to be prepared to attend SWISS after the hearing (they have to wear a certain uniform) and he said just to hold of on that.

Is there a ray of sunshine there??

After school Chris walked to my office (about a 15 minute walk) and he had obviously had a very rotten day. I gave him some work I had ready for him (sort of community service work) and he mumbled his way thru it. He was mostly griping himself out. He didn't want to talk about his day's experiences but I kept asking different questions until he would respond. He said, "You know how the cop said I was lucky that the truck didn't flip over on me? And that nobody would have been able to find me until too late? Well, maybe it should have. That way I wouldn't be a screw up any more."

Did my heart break or what?

I hope I said the right words back to him. I told him how big a part of my life he is and even tho he messes up at times, my life would have a huge empty place in it if he wasn't a part of it. I hugged him and he held onto me like a little lost boy. :crying:

I will be paying very close attention to any signs of self endangerment just in case. I don't think he'd do anything to hurt himself (other than several swift kicks in the butt). Hopefully he will get past those thoughts.

We will get thru all of this but it will be awhile. I was hoping we could get the court part over with too but we have to wait until the 16th.

Gabby, thanks for the offer of helping him out. I am certainly the worse one to be able to help him on that. I may be taking you up on that.

[Slitter]

Hang in there, Frawnie. You'll get through it all despite how it seems now. One day you'll even look back at this and laugh. Probably when you're in the store buying a drum set for Chris' son's birthday present! ;)

We're all here to help you through this stressful week and longer if it takes longer. Hopefully when they hand him his Eagle, the pride you feel then will make up for this whole thing. :hug2:

Aww, I was typing when you posted, Frawnie. Poor kid is definitely feeling it. It sounds like his day was even worse than yours. It sounds like you said just about perfect words. :lovies:

[pocket]

Chris is certainly getting a dose of consequences. I feel sorry for him, but he's just 16....it's best to get the "actions have consequences" lessons behind him. The next couple of years will be active ones with school activities, and it's a lesson best driven home now. We went through something similar, and losing the privilege to drive hurt the worst. Maybe the driving age is too early in Texas. I'm not one to make the judgement. But lots of kids also get their first job experience once they're able to drive, too. That balances things out. We don't live in big cities and public transportation isn't available so driving at 16 is very helpful in that respect.

As for your conversation with him, Frawnie....that was a very touching moment, and IMO you handled it just right. It helps that he knows he's still loved and is worth the trouble you're taking with him. I doubt that he's suicidal, though you're right to be watchful. He's just started facing up to his punishment so he's really feeling everything intensely right now. I hope things go well, yet not too easy for him. A hard lesson is remembered longer. Good luck with everything...and most of all I wish you lots of patience through it all.

[Sunburntbeatle]

frawnie, I'm keeping you and your family close to my heart and praying for all of you.

[frawniemae]

Just reporting in...

We attended the SWISS hearing this morning and my son is very lucky. Because of his history of good grades, attendance, extracurricular activities et al, the Principal did NOT put him in SWISS. He didn't even get SAC or D-Hall (i was kind of hoping he'd at least get that). He did get his driving/parking privileges on campus suspended for 6 weeks.

The only thing I didn't like was when the Principal asked Chris if he had any siblings. Of course the answer is yes: Sarah. Dr. Hancock remembered Sarah and started commenting on how special she was with all of her awards and scholarshps, top 10 % etc. I had to cut in and tell him "Both of my kids are special."

I have bent over backwards to make sure I don't compare my kids to one another. They each have their own talents and I wasn't going to let even the Principal start making Chris feel any worse because he is not going to achieve the same things Sarah did in High School. Period.

But in the end, Chris was very relieved and I told him not to get too happy yet. He still has court to go to next week.

I have a migraine from all the stress. But we'll let him live to see another day.

Thanks for your "ears"!

[Virgo6]

Frawnie, you said the right things to Chris and I agree that the principal was not making things any better by discussing Sarah at that time. What was he thinking.
Our children will mess up from time to time just like we did, but that doesn't take away how much we love them. Chris is a lucky young man to have a good mom like you and he knows it. He probably has learned his lesson and will think twice before he does something stupid like that again. My thoughts are with you.

[UkraineMom]

My 3rd grader was caught trying to "cheat" on him timed test today.... he will spend most of tomorrow in the principals office

[Slitter]

So now Chris also can appreciate the value of having a good reputation. Actually, this sounds like a pretty good mix of carrot and stick. He gets the advantages of the one but still experiences at least some of the "disadvantages" of the other (with the loss of parking/driving priviledges and with the court date to come). Hopefully he can put the two together and figure out the logical thing to do in the future.

I agree that the comparison thing was dumb. It sounds like you nipped that in the bud though.

[Virgo6]

Ahhhhh, UKM How was he trying to cheat? How did you react when you were told? Kids, they really know how to cause us stress. Keep us posted.

[frawniemae]

I've always said that there is a reason why God made little boys so doggone cute...it's so we'll let them grow up into exasperating men!!:crazy:

[UkraineMom]

Ahhhhh, UKM How was he trying to cheat? How did you react when you were told? Kids, they really know how to cause us stress. Keep us posted.
He tried to use a calculator.....UGH!!!!

Then he claimed that he did nothing wrong (he later recanted)... the school went balistic!

UGH!!!!!!!

[Mouse9]

I don't know what your school did to go ballistic, but, as a third grade teacher, I call the parents if the child won't fess up that they cheated when they really did.

Even that is after other "interrogating" has happened.

If they acknowledge it right away that they cheated I admonish them not to do it again and it is dropped.

If they still say they didn't cheat (when they did) I then tell them I will have to call home about it. That usually makes the children that really are being held accountable for their behavior around. They don't want me to call home with something bad to say. If they fess up this time and I haven't caught them doing it before or they haven't had other issues happening, I also drop it, but record it down, because I can forget.

If they still say they didn't cheat I call home and, hopefully, the parent realizes that lying about cheating is even another offense (cheating then lying). Most parents don't want that.

So, I don't know where your son fits into this. I try to give the kid a break at least two times. But if it happens a third time, or goes to the third part, I call. I don't take it to the office unless the child makes a big issue, meaning he is very dramatic and is distracting the class in a big way denying his actions when I saw it with my own eyes.

Also, I must say, some of even my best of students try to cheat at some time during the school year. They are usually the ones that after the first time being caught they never try again. This could be your son's first time and he will never do it again. He just had to see if he could get away with it.

It is discouraging when you have a child (I'm talking about my own) that continues to try to get a way with things. I know he gets away with them sometimes because I can't shadow him and watch his every move. So, when he does get caught, and in my son's case, I have to make the consequence much heavier each time he gets caught until finally, he will think about the consequence of what he has done - before he does it - and chooses not to do it. Then I think I will have succeeded. When My son was in elementary school I could see him weighing the consequence and the fun of doing the action out and still deciding to do what he wanted to do. (He has a very strong will.) That told me his consequence wasn't bad enough.

[frawniemae]

Okay...we made it throught the court hearing.

When we showed up there were a couple of young ladies in front of us talking about how hard this judge is ("He's a d***." was one of their comments) so that made me nervous. I was expecting the mayor to be presiding because the judge had recently retired but such was not the case (I had met the mayor, as had Chris, through scouting and I knew he'd recognize us).

Anyway... not ever having the joy of being in a courtroom, none of us knew exactly what to expect. But there were several seasoned lawbreakers present that basically joked their way through the waiting process. Chris was sitting next to one person who got out of jail that morning and was now possibly going back on another charge. (We were sitting across the room from him so I could watch him and he was scared silly. Good. He needed to be.) As the people came forward to plead guilty or not guilty, I realized that I had not told Chris he would need to do that. Oh well..he learned soon enough though.

I could hear the judge as he spoke with each and what their charges and resulting fines would be. Chris had researched fines for his offenses and was expecting a minimum of around $1000. When his time came I think I detected a knocking of his knees (another "good") as he stepped forward. He pled guilty (kinda hard to fight it when you're caught in the act) and the judge dropped the Criminal Trespass and Criminal Mischief which made the total including court costs come out to be $204.00. He will pay that today. (His paycheck just got real small. Add another "good".)

All in all he has learned from this the following:

1) don't attempt donuts in a muddy practice field
2) getting caught by the cops is scary
3) his mama does not appreciate being called by the cops
4) a good name is important to have
5) stupid isn't terminal but it can be costly
6) be careful who you choose as friends
7) it's better to be able to drive yourself than to have to be hauled around by your parents
8) TIE - trust is earned (and he is in debt right now)

Thanks for your concern and support! Maybe I won't have any more "Chris" stories...

[Gabby]

Sounds like the lessons learned were worth WAY more than $200!

Way to go, mom! :hug2:

[TigerLily]

Maybe he'll be a Mastercard Commercial for ya Frawnie. You know - the lessons learned will be priceless and maybe worth the $204 he has to pay.

[pocket]

I'm glad he was fined but not outrageously, IYKWIM. He's been scared spitless by all of this, and that's a big lesson. I hope it all sticks. Breathe a cautious sigh of relief, Frawnie.

[Virgo6]

Well, it could have been alot worse for him, but like you said there was alot of good that came out of this "bad choice". Hopefully, he learned all of the above 8 lessons.
Frawnie, you handled it very well, though inside I am sure you were so stressed. Glad its all over with. Hugs

[Sunburntbeatle]

I'm glad the judge didn't decide to make an example out of him and I hope he was/is scared enough to stay out of trouble.

[Slitter]

I'm so glad you both made it through this whole thing in good shape. I'm glad the judge didn't throw the book at him. This is what first offenses are for - the lessons learned. There's one more that I hope he will still learn - you CAN recover from adversity and even become a better person from having to go through it.

Congrats to both of you for surviving this mess with minimal damage. :)

[frawniemae]

Thanks, but I am having to remember to be tough on him. It has been too easy to let him start riding with a good friend to and from work and school. I told him this morning that the only reason I have given him any freedom is because it is convenient for me...not because he has earned it. I also reminded him that back at thanksgiving the last thing I told him as we were heading to the Hill Country leaving him home alone for a week was that this was a test---don't blow it. Well, come to find out he not only blew it, he blew the hell out of it. Seems he and some "good friends" ( not the one mentioned above) thought it would be cool to steal a shopping cart from the local grocery store and drag it going ninety to nothing down far north main street. Can't you see the sparks flying? Yeppers, a lot of his doings have come to light in all this. He was on a road heading straight for a lot of trouble.

I am glad he got stuck in that field.

$204?? yeah that was a low price to pay but I think he got his money's worth in experience.

[Mouse9]

Dear Frawniemae,

I just got caught up. I'm so glad everything turned out okay. It is certainly one of those things we wish we could've not happened, but since it did, we hope they learned their lessons from it.


You are a great parent! And this thread is proof! You might want to print it up and save it for when your son has a son who does the same thing!

We love you here, Frawniemae.

[frawniemae]

I thought about saving it for Chris. I might yet. But right now I believe this will forever be imprinted on his brain. He has really had a tough couple of weeks dealing with it. He keeps beating himself up about making such bad decisions the past few months. Luckily he did not find himself in bigger trouble.(believeme..he could have) He hates that he's lost our trust. While I know he won't do this again (might be something else tho) I can't just let him off so soon. He needs to "suffer" a bit longer. He hates not having the freedom of driving his own vehicle and having to depend on others to "fetch and carry" him. He is working more hours than usual to keep his mind off being grounded and not getting the rest he needs. He's punishing himself in ways I didn't think of! This next week will probably be his last week "grounded" but he doesn't know that yet. It all depends on how he does while we're away for Spring Break. A good friend and also his Scoutmaster offered to let him stay with them while we're gone. I couldn't pass up that offer! She will see to it that Chris gets to where he needs to be and is doing what he needs to be doing. She will let him "go and do" to a certain extent with people she knows she can trust to keep him out of trouble. Chris thinks they're just going to work him like a slave! He copped an attitude about it this afternoon but I set him straight right quick. He apologized and all is well.

I may copy it out just in case though...

Thanks for the love!

[Virgo6]

That was really nice of your friend (scoutmaster) to offer to let your son stay there and keep an eye on him, besides giving him transportation. What would we do without good friends? They seem to always do the right things at the right time. Hopefully, Chris has learned a very good lesson, but being so young and human, he will most likely slip up again. I know from experience with my 4. Tough love sometimes is the best love you can give. Ya, did good girlfriend.