The Rogue's Rant for Pirate Master Episode 3 - "Bribes, Lies & Vengeful Eyes"

Texas Kelly · June 23rd, 2007, 05:25 PM

The Rogue's Rant for Pirate Master Episode 3 - "Bribes, Lies & Vengeful Eyes"

"We are pirates."
-- Jupiter

Not quite, my dear, not quite. Don't worry, though.

-- Taped from Dominica isle.

-- Your host is Daddochio, who's getting better but isn't quite there yet as far as shaking the woodeness goes. Maybe he could stand one more visit from... damn it, what was the name of that blue fairy, anyway? Help me out here, people.

-- Last time on Pirate Master: I don't recap recaps. Seriously, if you want to know what happened and don't feel like going to CBS's website to watch them on Innertube (for free, to boot!) check out my Episode 1 recap and Slitter's equally excellent Episode 2 recap.

-- Opening show proper: Louie & Kendra lament together over Christian's departure, with Louie saying that the cast will be remembered as morons for getting rid of him. Dude, I could understand if the crews were permanent, but with people flip-flopping back-and-forth left-and-right, keeping strength around early doesn't have anywhere near the importance that it does on Survivor. If you were truly a reality show fan, you'd understand that! Meanwhile, Cheryl talks with J.D. in the captain's quarters about Louie and how he doesn't seem to get that being a pirate isn't about being one big happy family. As far as she's concerned, J.D.'s still doing a good job and they're not here to goof around. Well, maybe you feel that way, Cheryl, but at this point, the crew don't feel the same way - and among them is Sean, who's joined Louie & Kendra on deck to vent his thoughts about J.D.'s reign of terror. They all agree they can't wait for it to go down.

-- Jay rouses the crew as dawn rises. On deck, Azmyth does his yoga and Jay relates the bond between him and J.D. - basically, he's J.D.'s number-one guy, more so than J.D.'s own officers, as long as it's lucrative for him. See, now that's the type of attitude all these people should have - instead of bitching and whining and moaning about how J.D. gets everything while they get nothing, do something about it. While that's going on, Jupiter takes some time out to put some eye makeup on everybody and talks in detail about how it's a part of her everyday life. Sorry, Jupiter, I like your attitude, but the war paint is just so much cooler. Azmyth likes it, though, and Jupiter as well, noting that he hasn't "seen a bad bone" in her yet.

-- The crew prepares to set sail, with Jay barking out orders and Azmyth, Joy & Kendra getting the honors of raising the flag. Everyone but Alexis (who stands off to the side and gets the yawns out of her system, and later on, bitches and moans about the work in comparison to her real-life job in the fashion industry) does their part and eventually they're off and running. We learn a little bit more about Jupiter, as she talks about being a tomboy and gushes about the experience so far while taking a break on the netting on the bow of the ship. Elsewhere, we meet Laurel (finally) who's doing a rhythmic sail-raising dance with Kendra (I think), and she talks about being a land pirate (having spent a lot of recent time living out of a van). She further adds, in one of those important value-statements that I think will speak to her longevity in the game, that being a pirate's more about the state of mind than the location. All I can say is, QFT. We might have someone other than Jay who actually gets it, assuming EMB lets us see it.

-- Expedition Title: As in the last episode, we get to learn a little bit about who hid the treasure (the quartermaster) and what his tendencies were (writing codes in other people's blood). This is an instance where EMB's normally impeccible production slipped up, though, as it's clearly paint and not blood on the preview clips there. The pirate code and shot-pulling comes up with:

Red Crew: Kendra, Jupiter, Christa, Nessa, Azmyth, Louie, Jay
Black Crew: J.D., Cheryl, Ben, Sean, Joy, Alexis, Laurel

Thankfully, EMB listens to my cries of annoyance and tells us the breakdown this time instead of making us decipher it. Louie is pumped to be opposing J.D., promising that he's going "to write a letter to his momma in his blood". Yikes. It's comments like these that make Louie the enigma that he is - how much of it is the character he's clearly playing and how much of it is the real person? Jay's also excited because Azmyth is on Red Crew with them and he's been "running circles around everyone else". Based on one superman expedition performance? Jeez, let the guy prove himself again before you start prostrating yourself before him like that. It's certainly not helping his already inflated ego, as Azmyth talks about having it in the bag because of his presence. J.D., on the other hand, knows what's at stake and will be stoked if he can get another big haul.

The blunderbuss sets them off, and the crews stay pretty even until they reach the sandbar, when Red Crew takes the advantage after smartly using the current to their advantage. It also helps them that Alexis, for some reason that I don't get, wanders way off course on foot from Black Crew's boat, which J.D. and Sean are naturally both pissed about, since they could have used her help getting the boat across the sandbar. Both crews reach shore, though, and take off into the woods along the bamboo trail, with Black Crew (other than Alexis & J.D., who smartly hangs back to make sure she doesn't drop off) steadily making up ground on Red Crew, as Cheryl relates. Azmyth & Sean are first to reach the sabotage, and Sean talks a little bit about how dangerous it looked. He tries to rally the troops, but Red Crew makes it through together first, and Azmyth triggers the sabotage, though he doesn't quite get it through on the first swing. Note to the production team: Get Matthew von Ertfelda brand sharpeners and that little bit of embarrassment will never happen again, promise. The trigger causes the sabotage to seemingly fall on a few Black Crew members trapped in the middle of it... however, after a commercial break of suspense, Sean reveals that the sabotage was supported by one large beam down the middle, which he was able to hold up himself for the few seconds needed to get everyone else through. Major kudos to the guy, because that effort singlehandedly gives Black Crew hope.

Meanwhile, Red Crew reaches the river, and slowly begins to make their way across. Black Crew, however, catches up quickly, and soon is in the hunt for the skulls at the bottom of the river that contains the key. Unfortunately for them, as Kendra relates, she and Christa quickly figure out the "blood" code on the rock that tells them where to look, and Louie capitalizes and finds the spot where it's hidden. This has Jay so pumped that he can't even wait until they've reached the treasure chest to bash it open, even though it only contains the key. Red Crew quickly finds the waterfall as Black Crew continues to search for the other skull (was anyone even paying attention to where Louie was standing when he got his crew's attention?) and Nessa sees the chest while trying to gather her bearings in a pretty dangerous spot right underneath the waterfall. Louie gets the honors of fishing it out, and Red Crew wins the Expedition Title for the first time. *** Would have been pretty boring if not for the big pileup at the sabotage, because the way it was designed would have pretty much shot the chances of the crew that was beaten to it. As is, though, good showing. Louie is happy as a clam and promises that J.D. will be on the black spot "forever until he is gone". You can't make this indignation up, I tell ya!

-- Back at the Picton Castle, Black Crew returns and J.D. knows he's got a target on his back now. Daddochio dramatically relieves J.D. & the officers of their command, and Cheryl's upset not only because she hates to lose, but now she has to go mingle with a crew that doesn't consider her a part of them. Well, my dear, you've got no one to blame but yourself for that... it was your choice to take direction from J.D. on everything. J.D.'s nervous and doesn't know what to expect knowing that Louie has it out for him.

Meanwhile, up on deck, Red Crew counts their gold, and Jay is relieved to have finally won an expedition since he was thinking he might be a bad luck charm. (No, Jay, but after the following episode, I can think of someone on the crew who might be slightly justified to feel that way...) J.D. comes up and interrupts proceedings to hand over the rank garments, and Louie comments on his "puppy-dog face", promising that it's a sad day for J.D. and there'll be many more to come. What is with this guy? I like his jolly disposition but he follows his vendettas worse than Lex van den Berghe follows his gut! Daddochio reminds them they must pick a new captain, which Kendra is excited about, and right away, to no surprise, everyone points Azmyth's way. Azmyth then picks Jupiter & Jay (who grins really obviously in an out-of-character way when Azmyth mentions him) as his officers, adding that he feels Jay's been working the hardest out of all of the crew. That's true in ways that Azmyth probably isn't even starting to imagine! Daddochio helps them divide the money and then reminds them (in a clip that really doesn't need to be shown on camera at this point) of the rank pirates' duties in regards to Pirate Court. It's things like this that make me say Daddochio isn't quite there yet - I know EMB is at fault for including it in the edit, but Daddochio still explains the rules in this excessively formal tone that can be really sleep-inducing at times.

-- Speaking of excessively formal tones, the rank pirates get down into the captain's quarters and begin discussing the idea of redistributing the gold more evenly, at which point Jay mentions how Azmyth "took an English pill", if the accent he started using when they got down there is any indication. Of course, Jay doesn't say to Azmyth's face how ridiculous he thinks he sounds, which I start wishing he'd change his mind about once Azmyth starts saying things like how he wants everyone to feel "dandy". (Accents, I can deal with. It's ye olde language itself that's a little annoying.)

Anyways, they take the gold and split it down the middle, and then call in the rest of Red Crew one at a time. (They don't announce the full order, but it's easy to figure out that the order was Nessa, Christa, Louie, and Kendra, which should say something about Azmyth's state of mind behind the accent.) We see the beginnings of Nessa's flirting in her reply to the captain's greeting (an English-inspired "Hello, darling") - which, of course, comes off a thousand times better in my eyes than the captain's. Nessa says it's a 180-degree difference with Azmyth in charge, and Christa also likes the new "Mr. Positivity" captain, even if the accent gets on her nerves. Louie's feelings? As long as the captain's nice, he doesn't care, but there's gotta be some kind of dope in the captain's hat, due to how Azmyth started acting once it went on his head. Again, I've got no clue what Louie is getting at, but this time only because by "dope", he could mean this, this, or this. Though, considering how Louie laughs, it's probably the former, since it would provide an explanation for his laugh as well as J.D. & Azmyth's behavior. Hey, you call it like you know it!

-- After a temporal-altering commercial break, we arrive at the following afternoon in the captain's quarters, where the black spots are being decided on. They quickly agree that Alexis & Laurel will be marked - the former for her abrasive attitude (and they don't say it, but I'd toss in laziness around the ship as well) and the latter for her liability in challenges (with Azmyth wanting her to put her strength into words). Azmyth then proposes J.D. as the third, which gets Jay skittish because of his deal with J.D. (which, he says, will continue as long as J.D. continues to take care of him financially). Jay proposes Cheryl (with whom he has no stock with) instead and leaves it up to the other two to decide.

We don't see the decision because the camera cuts to later up on deck with the rank pirates arriving to distribute summons. You can immediately see the difference from J.D.'s reign, as Azmyth comes up with the officers and addresses the pirates himself, rather than keeping his distance. That's the reason I have no sympathy with Cheryl on the issue of being distant from the crew - it's possible to be authoritative and still connect with your charges on a regular basis at the same time. Alexis isn't surprised to receive the black spot, but in one of the stupidest comments I've heard on a reality show in quite some time, she claims it's other people's problem if they can't swallow her personality. It just screams "stubborn", "prima donna" and "princess complex" over and over to me, and it makes me wonder why she signed up for this gig because she should know full-well that people like that just don't last. Laurel, on the other hand, doesn't know what her case should be, so she decides she'll focus on herself and why she's so cool (as she puts it). I'd personally love to know why you're cool, since EMB hasn't shown hardly anything of you yet! Turns out that Jay won the battle over the third spot, as J.D. is spotless and relieved about it, while Cheryl isn't hurt and doesn't mind defending herself because of what she does for a living. I refuse to say anything more about it than that because we've already heard her say "I'm a deputy district attorney" a bajillion and one times, and any drinking game anyone could come up with for this show really needs to include that (as in, take a drink every time Cheryl mentions being a DDA). Thankfully, I'm a teetotaler so I don't need to worry about alcohol poisoning.

-- Later on, Jay pow-wows with Louie & Nessa. Crux of the conversation: They want Cheryl gone. Louie sums it up succinctly with yet another of his enigma quotes: If he can't have the head of the snake, he'll take the tail. I've really said all I can say about it at this point. The two scrubs immediately bring Christa (Nessa) & Kendra (Louie) on board with the plan. J.D., who's moping around with Ben, sees what's going on around him and decides that he needs to protect his people and bust the plot against Cheryl up, with Alexis being the alternate target. Jay, however, realizes he needs another person, and decides to work on Sean to finalize the numbers. Sean, however, wants Alexis gone because he considers her dead weight that needs to be cut. That would seem to be that... but Jay pushes at his psyche a little bit harder with a $1,000 bribe. That leaves Sean teetering on the balance between not wanting to go against his brain and not wanting to lie, and you can see clearly in his face that he doesn't know what to do. Jay seems to think he's won the argument, though, and tells Louie so. Only mistake Jay made is not continuing to push for one more person, especially since he probably knew how ties would work (since the summonses seem to spell out the rules crystal-clear) and what Azmyth's likely opinion on the matter was. Joy probably could have been swayed as well. It's his first real-slip up in what's been a brilliantly played game by him so far.

-- Pirate's Court: Alexis v. Cheryl. Not even gonna bother listing Laurel or Azmyth since they're clearly not at risk. They waste more time explaining the system again (c'mon, EMB... I think everyone gets it by now) and finally, Azmyth begins talking about how everyone's spirits are lighter due to the new leadership. Daddochio immediately notices the accent (with a hilarious expression on his face, to boot) and immediately calls him out on it, leading everyone to have a chuckle over it, with Louie claiming he likes it. Again, I've got no clue whether he means it or not. MOVING ON! Azmyth gives the reasons for the black spots, with his explanation for Cheryl being her distance from the rest of the crew. Daddochio then does something I've been begging and turns to Jay, asking for his thoughts, and Jay takes credit for Cheryl being black-spotted, saying that she was the worst among the previous leadership as far being distant.

Alexis's attempt at defending herself is essentially "this is who I am; no fronts; what you see is what you get". They have seen, Alexis, and they don't like. That's the reason you're up there, and you don't seem to get it. Laurel assumes that she's here because they think she's apathetic about the experience, and her defense reflects that belief. Cheryl then takes a seat and gives the best defense of the show so far: She blames the teamwork thing on following J.D.'s orders and not really having an idea in the early going of what an officer should do. She points out her physical strength and how she played a cheerleader for everybody, hanging in the middle in the expeditions to give people like Joy & Cheryl the extra push. See, we have could have saved all the talk about Cheryl being a DDA and merely left it to seeing her put that experience into action, as this was beautifully argued and wasn't sleep-inducing like all her previous PIs. Bravo. And to add to the "bravo", J.D. interjects (YES!) and takes the blame for Cheryl's distance - that's what he wanted and she respected it the most. Plus, she's positive, as compared to Alexis, apparantly. That gets Alexis upset, because she doesn't think that's a fair assessment to make of her. Oh, get over yourself, dearie - any shot you had at winning over Sean just went up in smoke. Finally, Daddochio gives Azmyth a chance to make a case against mutiny, and Azmyth doesn't need to say much, pointing to better morale and support in a succinct manner.

The pirates vote - have I mentioned how I love the subtle viola music that EMB chooses to play over this segment? - and to no surprise, Daddochio swiftly rules out a mutiny (after which, Azmyth actually thanks the crew - he may have an accent, but he's still humble!) and sends Laurel back to the crew, and finally announces... a tie, 4-4 between Alexis & Cheryl. Jay doesn't look too happy about it. Daddochio explains to the viewers that the captain breaks the tie, and after thinking it over, Azmyth chooses to axe... Alexis, explaining his choice based on what he feels is needed for the next expedition. Nessa & Louie are shocked, Jay is grim, J.D. is quite pleased (and whispers his thanks as Azmyth passes to do his duty)... but Alexis has to pick her jaw off the floor. ***1/4 Much better than the last episode, and the increased input from the officers and the crew also put this past the one-on-one war of wills between J.D. & John in the premiere.

As she floats away, Alexis thinks she earned some respect on the ship, mostly because she didn't take as many shots from the firing squad as she thought she would, but she's just got to roll with it. I look past her obvious rationalization and point with more interest at the look Jay & Sean shared before going under deck.

-- Next time on Pirate Master: Jay is stuck in two disputes, being in the dominant angry position against Sean and getting put to the test by J.D., but the bigger news is that something in the treasure will send the pirates "spinning". See, even Daddochio's starting to get his Michael Cole Disease under control - that's much more believable than a single injury "changing everything", especially in a game where teams are less important because they change every week. Always remember that Michael & the fire in Australia is the barometer against which all game-changing injuries should be rated.

The Bottom Line:

Much, much better effort than the first two weeks. The change in power really helped the show tremendously, since people aren't moping around any more and allowing their personalities to come out more. Plus, we got much more from the women this week (and I'm liking what I'm seeing from Jupiter, Nessa, and the little bit of Laurel we got as well) which is great because I wasn't sure if EMB had forgotten they existed or not based on the first two shows. They still need to cut down on the rule-explaining, especially at the expeditions and at Pirate's Court. I just hope the twist isn't so complex that it leads to more explaining rather than the less the show needs.

Stick with it, guys. It's getting there.